For those who have read my posts consistently, you’ll know that I was bullied through school.  It started at Parkway Middle School in Fort Lauderdale.  It mostly occurred the moment I got off the bus, where I lacked the safety of adult supervision.  The bullies mostly pushed me and knocked me to the ground while I walked home, sobbing from the humiliation, eventually stopping when their walk home took them down a different path.  Once, I endured their spitting gum in my hair as they targeted the “Chinaman”.

Upon arriving at South Plantation High School, the bullying didn’t necessarily stop, but it morphed.  While I no longer feared for my physical safety, psychological bullying took its place.  Classmates uttered cruel and demeaning comments, loudly enough for many to hear, but softly enough to avoid detection by an adult.  Still, in a handful of instances, even when our teacher heard such words (like “whale” or “sumo wrestler”), they reasoned that it didn’t rise to the level of disciplinary action.

Do you know what would’ve helped?  For someone to speak up and say, “Cut it out!  That’s not cool.”  Alas, to my knowledge, no one ever spoke up.  I understand that bystanders wanted to avoid becoming another target for that bully.  However, once enough people speak up, there’ll be more of us than of you.  You could’ve been the snowball that started the avalanche.

Another MLK Jr. Day passes

As another MLK Jr. Day passes, I reflect upon his wisdom.  Naturally, we know of him as a civil rights leader, although in many ways, the pictures and outline of his persona are what we remember.  It was only a few years ago when I learned this quote from him:

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

I try to share that quote every year as a persistent reminder of who I was, who I am, and who I aspire to be.  Honestly, I remember the words of those bullies more vividly than those who stood idly by as they watched in horror (or fascination, I suppose).  Those words, “Hey, when the bus stops, let’s all jump on the ‘Chinaman'” are inextricably seared into my memory.

I sought an explanation for what I had done to elicit this much hate, but none came.  In the end, the answer came without an explicit word from anyone.  I was Chinese and thus unfamiliar and awkward; that was enough.  The expression “kids can be cruel” is accurate but lacks accountability.  It is a rationalization; they learn these impressions and behaviors from someone.  Do you want a more actionable yet unsettling expression?  How about “kids are taught to be cruel”?

Lastly, I promise that if I call you my friend, I will refuse to stand idly while you’re harmed.  You are not only safe with me, I’ll weather the storm with you.

That funny new word:  Allyship

They introduced this word as I attended an internal workshop on DEI at Microsoft.  Though I don’t remember precisely the words they used to describe it, this one fits:

a supportive association with the members of a marginalized or mistreated group to which one does not belong

The prototypical example of allyship is that we did not abolish slavery strictly from the actions of those oppressed.  It took people professing that this is not who we are; this does not align with our moral compass.

I recently contemplated why I need to care about politics.  As I did, I realized that my life as a straight Asian man is one of comparative privilege.  Why would I speak up about women’s reproductive rights when I’m not a woman?  Should I fight for the rights of gay couples to marry or adopt a child?  Why even allow transgender people to exist?

However, I can’t help but reflect on those days on the school bus and the bullying.  I imagined how one ally might’ve eventually put an end to it.  Back then, we didn’t have words for it.  We might’ve all had that unsettling feeling but dared not speak up.

Today, we know what it looks like and understand our power; we’ll assert our moral compass.  Students in Capital High in Olympia, WA, staged a walkout after one of their classmates yelled “gorilla” at an opposing player in a basketball game.  We’re getting better at allyship.

Why should we care?

Besides shaping the world that you live in to reflect our moral compass?  We should care because we’re all composed of slivers of diversity, we’re one ingredient of the ‘Melting Pot’ that is the United States.  Even if it doesn’t directly impact you, it’ll target someone you love.  I reflect upon the sobering words from Martin Niemöller about Nazi Germany:

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out,
Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out,
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out,
Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me,
and there was no one left to speak for me.

Furthermore, it’s a safe bet that it’ll eventually target you or someone you love.  If you want someone to speak up on your behalf, you should speak up on their behalf.

The Modern Day’s ‘silence of our friends’

If we channeled MLK’s words, what would that look like today?  Think about it: how do we communicate with each other?  We conduct most of our communication online.  How we’d speak up in allyship today is likely not in person, nor would it be in speeches, nor on marches in Selma, Alabama.  Today’s way to speak up for others is online on social networks.

If you elect to leave Facebook in protest of Mark Zuckerberg’s ending of fact-checking in place of community notes, then you willfully concede to his silencing you.  You willfully abandon those who are mistreated or marginalized.  I understand the process of boycotting the platform as a voice of opposition, but it’ll have an unintended side effect.  Allow me to explain…

The bullies will now spread much more misinformation than before; they’ll be unhindered by fact-checking.  Those previously mistreaded or marginalized on the platform will now have disproportionately more bullies and fewer allies.  You will have literally abandoned them; the ‘silence of our friends’ indeed.

I understand the strife of having so much politics front and center in your life.  Therefore, it feels easy to leave the platform to extricate that conflict.  However, it’s much like that bullying incident you witnessed as a bystander as a child.  Your moral compass gnaws at you as you witness incidents where you hear the word ‘gorilla’ uttered in a high school basketball game.  It will find you, independent of social media.

Facebook can be the tool use to amplify bullying or it can be the platform where we finally tell the bullies to fuck off.  However, we can’t do the latter if you abandon the platform.  I humbly ask you to please stay and contribute to the voice of reason and empathy.