On a lazy afternoon in Florida, I visit a friend of the family at his restaurant.  I worked in very this restaurant before, under different management and a different name.  I simply called him “Mr. Five” because his surname sounded like the Cantonese word for ‘five’.  We catch up on how our lives progressed.  At some point, he outright suggests that I should “go back to China to find a Chinese girl; it’ll make your mom happy.”  While I didn’t respond in the way that I otherwise might, this conversation filled me with disappointment.

Now, I’ll go into a little detour.  I’ll give you a sample list of names, and I’d like you to ponder about what they have in common:

• Anne Frank
• Betty White
• Mother Teresa
• Rosa Parks
• Julia Child

The entire ‘dating’ thing is just a start of much longer conversation.  First, it’s about who you’re dating.  Next, the question is about when you will get married.  Third, they’ll ask if you’re trying to have kids.  It’s societal quicksand.  Your ‘community’ has defined a figurative trail in a forest, and stepping off that trail into the actual forest leads to danger, nay death.  Thou shalt not wander off the trail.

Should we all aspire to procreate?

First, I understand that if we all stop having children our species would become extinct.  I won’t for a moment suggest that we should all collectively stop having children.  However, our planet is overcrowded already.  There’s a practical maximum population for our planet.  It’s not just about square footage and where we’d live.  It’s also about other resources, like air and clean water, not to mention that we all produce carbon dioxide.  What I am suggesting is that we don’t all need to procreate, and as such, we should ease up on the societal standards that we should all aspire to have children.  We won’t all have kids, and that’s okay.

However, I won’t criticize those who are parents; we collectively need you.  I have many friends and family who have kids, and they’re generally kind and loving parents.  If parenthood is one of those elements in your life and defines you and brings you joy, I’m delighted to celebrate it with you.  However, it is a decision that they chose to make, and it doesn’t mean that it’d affect someone else in the same way.

That said, if someone is not among those who aspire to be parents, let them be whoever they want to be in peace.  Stop trying to browbeat them into having kids.

The ‘Miracle of Life’

The epitome of human existence is not parenthood; at least not for everyone.  I know that some marvel about childbirth as the miracle of life, which I won’t debate… it is wondrous.  However, many will similarly assert that because it is so wonderful and amazing, it also naturally extends that this is a woman’s primary purpose in life.  Furthermore, it implies that any activity that detracts from motherhood is a needless distraction.  Some of you reading will somehow believe that I’m painting a picture from 1950’s dystopian society.

For the record, I find the idea that a woman may push out a completed person out of her body in its entirety to be pretty mind blowing.  No debate.  And for this reason, some assert that women have been granted some ‘gift’, and they should not squander it.  However, I also find that all of a man’s genetic material, all the information that it takes to be him, is magically encoded into tiny sperm cells to be amazing.  Furthermore, I also find that millions of copies of this genetic material being expelled from the body upon ejaculation to be pretty mind blowing as well.  If you really think about it, they’re just basically the two bookends to procreation.

However, while I see people genuflecting upon a woman giving birth, I don’t see anyone doing the same over a man ejaculating.  I suppose that’s a good thing, because for some men that may be several times a day.

Not all women aspire for motherhood.

When the pandemic first started, I tuned to TED Talks on the television while I continued my work.  I discovered a thoroughly interesting talk by Christen Reighter.  She’s a smart and articulate woman who understood from childhood that she did not want to have children.  She describes in excruciating detail her ordeal to get a tubal ligation.  In that talk, she explains, “I always believed that having children was an extension of womanhood, not the definition.”  That talk was from 2016; I’m not convinced that her experience would be that different today.  That’s not 1950’s dystopian society fiction.

However, there’s another side to this dark coin.  If you subscribe to the idea that motherhood is the epitome of a woman’s existence, then, by extension, it also means that nothing else she ever does will ever be as important as motherhood.  You may not necessarily articulate it that way, but that’s what you subtly communicate.  However, you may question her decision of when she goes back to work after birth, or even if she should go back at all.  You don’t necessarily tell them what to do, but you will nudge them in a certain direction.

At the end of the day, each woman needs to evaluate what role motherhood will play in her life.  If motherhood is the epitome of your existence, and you came to that without outside influence, then more power to you.  I applaud you.  Similarly, if you decide that you do not want children, and you came to that without outside influence, I applaud you too.  Ultimately, it’s your life to live, not everyone else’s.

Women may be whatever they want.

Years ago, on a sunny afternoon, my friend takes me for a ride in his new car.  We hoped to enjoy a joy ride as we zipped around the back roads surrounding our office.  A construction site dashed our hopes as we approached.  A woman in a ponytail wore a hard hat and reflective vest; she wielded a lollipop sign with the words ‘Stop’ and ‘Slow’ to control traffic.  My friend curses, “Why does she have to do that?”  In my response, I explain that she’s simply doing her job.  His retort, “No, why does she need to be in construction?  Doesn’t she know her place?”  I did not respond; his words simply stunned me into silence.

My mom outlived my dad by nearly thirty years and never remarried.  She spent all of those years making our lives better; she had few indulgences that didn’t involve making us happier.  I loved and respected my mom; she inspired me.  I’m delighted that we developed an adult relationship.  In nearly every respect, motherhood was among her top priorities.  However, she, like everyone else, has a right to be happy and even a little selfish once in a while.  Her dedication to motherhood was always her choice to make.

In contrast, my sister and I studied in the same engineering school and graduated with a bachelor’s degree on the same day.  She went on to earn a master’s degree in mechanical engineering.  We are both thorough and meticulous about our work.  She now designs jet engines, literally a rocket scientist.  I love and respect my sister; she inspires me.  Would my friend criticize her for not ‘knowing her place’?

These two amazing women may be whatever they want.  It’s their choice.

About that list…

If you subscribe to the notion that motherhood is the epitome of womanhood, that it is indeed its definition, what value does a woman have if she does not become a mother?  May a man annul his marriage if his wife is infertile?  Can we envision a resource-constrained dystopian future where menopausal women with adult children are simply killed because they’re no longer a productive member of society?  Should we allow menopausal women to marry?  How far do we take it?

As Christen Reighter pointed out in her amazing TED Talk, a woman is not defined by motherhood.  A person may become whatever they want to be, this is independent of gender.  A woman who is not a mother is not ‘nothing’.  Let’s stop defining womanhood by motherhood; they’re separable.

As for that short list of amazing women at the top of the post?  None of them had children, and that’s just a sample.  That doesn’t make them any less amazing.