My older sister and I have an ongoing, but distressingly regular, discussion. When we talk, she often refers to me as “Frankie”; this is not okay. Our dialogue goes something like this:
Me: My name is Frank. Please stop calling me “Frankie”.
Her: I called you that when you were little.
Me: I know, but I never said that was okay.
Her: I don’t mean anything bad by it.
Me: I understand, but it’s not my name.
Her: It’s a term of endearment.
Me: It’s not if it doesn’t endear me.
To be completely fair, Frank is neither my birth nor legal name; it’s simply the name I choose to go by. I understand that she calls me that without malice and mostly because she forgets, but the fact remains. I should be called what I asked to be called.
It reminds me of dialogue from Pretty Woman:
Vivian: Can I call you Eddie?
Edward: Not if you expect me to answer.
Yet the philosopher in me asks the Shakespearean tragedy question, “What’s in a name?” To that end, I’ll ponder through scenarios where people change their names (or what they asked to be called).
You have outgrown that name
The case with me was simply that I outgrew that name, or more accurately the nickname that she assigned me. In many ways, my sister still thinks of me as her teenage kid brother, along with all the baggage that comes with that association. To have her refer to me as ‘Frank’ is for her to acknowledge that I’m an adult and in many ways her equal.
There are many instances of this, I remember watching The Champ as a child and moved by the performance of Ricky Schroeder. He went on to the series Silver Spoons, still as a child actor. While many child actors struggle to make the transition into adult roles, do their names contribute to the typecasting? For many of his more recent roles, he is listed as “Rick Schroeder”.
In this respect, changing your name can simply be a mechanism to reboot yourself, both the way that you see yourself and how others see you.
You acknowledge your culture and heritage
I have many friends and family that fall into this category. For many years, I ate lunch, conversed, and went to the gym with my work friend, Matt. We spent a lot of time together and enjoyed each other’s company. Upon moving groups, he decided he would start to use his given name of Indian descent. I respect that and honor that request.
For many of us who straddle different cultures, we have both our given names and westernized names. We grew up using our westernized names for much of the time, especially in scenarios like high school. Later opting to use our given names in more official scenarios, like college or work. Some like Deep Space Nine’s Alexander Siddig started his career using Siddig El Fadil and opted for a more westernized name.
In some cases, we use different names to avoid name collisions. I knew one friend as Ted, though that was his middle name; all of his work friends called him by his first name, Thomas. I have yet another whose name is Ryan, who consistently finds himself in a team with other Ryans; he is now affectionately known as ‘Barbecue’.
You get married
This is perhaps the most common instance of a name change, almost exclusively to women. The convention is that upon getting married, the woman legally takes her husband’s surname. I’d like to point out, that I neither pass judgement on women who do not take their husband’s name, nor the men who choose to change their name on marriage. I’m simply pointing out the statistical convention.
In fact, changing your name upon getting married is almost a freebie. Businesses and government expect you to change your name, and it’s just part of the process. I’ve known people who forwent changing their name upon marriage only to do it later, only to discover it was substantially more paperwork.
In many instances, women keep their maiden name professionally, at least how they choose to be referred to at work. Occasionally, she marries young and establishes herself with her married name, only to divorce years later. I’ve seen this occur too. Again, I’m not passing judgement.
Still here are few instances where a woman professionally keeps her name from a divorced spouse, even after remarrying. Pat Benatar’s name is from her first husband; she has since married the guitarist on her band Neil Giraldo.
What if someone’s name conflicts with your moral compass?
If the reason behind a name change conflicts with your moral compass, can you refuse to acknowledge it? Let’s crunch some numbers. Statistically, conservatively 22% of Catholics believe that getting remarried after a divorce is a sin. And roughly around 20% of the US population is Catholic.
Odds = 1 / (.22 x .208) = 21.85
Therefore, roughly 1 of each 21.85 people believe that remarrying after a divorce is a sin; that’s a moderate number. Given a large enough team, someone is likely to object to your marriage-after-divorce arrangement.
For instance, if divorced Amy Hamill gets remarried to Robert Ford and becomes Amy Ford, and a Catholic teammate Sarah believes that they’re living in sin. Is it permissible for Sarah to continue to refer to Amy by Hamill instead of Ford?
Keep this in mind, Amy legally changed her surname to Ford and henceforth has asked for everyone to refer to her as Amy Ford. Should Sarah’s conviction to her beliefs allow her to refuse to use the surname Ford?
In most settings, refusing to acknowledge someone’s new married name is frowned upon, even if you believe that they’re living in sin. People generally understand that calling Amy Ford by her new married name does not diminish your conviction in your faith. It does not mean that you suddenly condone divorce.
Call people what they asked to be called
There’s a quote out of Dale Carnegie’s book, How to Win Friends and Influence People:
Names are the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
Simply put. We should call people what they asked to be called. It’s not a grand scheme to force you to acknowledge and approve of their lifestyle… to ‘bend the knee’ to their rules. They’re simply asking you to refer to them by a particular name; everyone deserves this. Amy Ford celebrates her marriage by changing her name. To refuse to call her that is disrespectful.
On a grander scale, we should honor what people choose to be called independent of reason. If I should humbly ask to be called by my birth name, my legal name, or Frank (which is neither), then you should honor that. If I should take my fiancée’s Dutch surname upon marriage, you should honor that too. Finally, if I should choose to change my name from Frank to Belinda (and ask to use she/her for pronouns), then yes… you should honor that as well. We’re not asking you to agree with our choices, but we are asking you to respect them. To refuse is disrespectful.
Note: I’m not coming out as trans. I’m merely illustrating the point.